Her Complete Superiority Should Be Some Consolation

A very good friend was recently liberated from a long term relationship which, in my un-humble opinion, was a breakup long past due. She wrote Thursday morning having come in to work off an evening of crying, dreading the fact she would have to give a tour later on, hoping the thick concealor she’d slathered under her eyes would cover the puffiness. Girlfriend needed some consoling and it struck me that I’ve never had to nurse a friend through a breakup. Back in high school I had a friend who was desperately in love with a guy who was dating someone else and I had to help her through a few emotional troughs, but never an actual “I got dumped, now hook me up to a Ben and Jerry’s feeding tube and let me work this out” kind of thing. I offered what condolence I could and I have a feeling that she was doing better by the afternoon, and hopefully much better by today (although weekends can be unpredictable), but just in case any points were missed, I will delineate the reasons why my friend will be infinitely better off without Skinny McAssface.

The core problem with this relationship was that it was essentially unbalanced:

·         First, she is way more attractive than him, to the point that you’d look at them together and you couldn’t help but think, “She’s dating him?” He’s skinny. Emaciated skinny. Arms that look like they would snap off in a stiff breeze skinny. And the hair, hair that can only be described as “perma-greasy.”

·         Second, she is way smarter than him. She has a Masters. She can carry on an intelligent and meaningful conversation without sounding pompous. This is the kind of guy who, even when he’s at the top of his intellectual game, will always elicit one of those “well, he’s certainly trying hard” responses.

·         Third, she is way more mature than him. Despite the fact that he has come a little way in this department since coming to college, the most salient memory I have of Skinny is the first time I met him at a party at my friend’s house. We were playing a board game, either trivia or a word game, and he was having his ass handed to him soundly (see section 2). And, instead of being classy or, at the very least, exhibiting the sportsmanship of a moderately well behaved eight-year-old, he starts in with the unfunny sarcastic comments which proceeded to get more frequent and unfunny over the course of the game. Bad first impression to say the least. 

·         She’s a better person. She volunteers twice a week to tutor a Chinese woman in English. For free. What philanthropic things have you done lately, Mr. McAssface?

·         She speaks two languages, fluently, and has a complex and rich cultural perspective which extends beyond the borders of the Las Cruces city limits.

·         She’s kind and witty and a good writer and she doesn’t misspell really simple words and she’s got great hair and a bodacious figure with a butt that defies gravity and she’s got a career with actual opportunity for upward mobility and an established blog and great poster designing abilities and, and . . . .the list goes on.

In short, my dear emancipated friend, even though life and its prospects seem low right now, things will, without a doubt, look up very soon.  You’re the kind of person who lives for the chance to experience and reflect and I hope the actions of one fool don’t stifle that part of you.



3 responses to “Her Complete Superiority Should Be Some Consolation

  1. Ha, I don’t volunteer with her anymore. 😦 But Ben and Jerry’s…is a really good idea. Mmm.

    Do you know I don’t remember that party too much? I remember only that when he got with his BFF he pretty much ignored me. Foreshadowing in literary terms I believe.

  2. I said basically the same thing repeatedly, though with less Skinny McAssface and more in the realm of “Hello! McFly!”

  3. Oh that’s right. Forgot that you don’t work with the Chinese lady anymore. Whatever. You livened up the breakroom at work. That’s still probably more than Skinny’s done for other people.

    As for foreshadowing, this relationship had subtlety of an M. Night Shymalan movie.

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